Mauled by a Magical Bear with Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying from Its Eyesockets
EEEEEEEEEEEE Garbage in the compactor throw it in and shut the door Activate the Trash Smashor Safety systems are bypassed You fall in there with the trash Now you're getting really smashed EEEEEEEEEEEEEE Awful-smelling juices spray squeezed from piles of decay Heated on throughout the day Mechanisms unforgiving hydraulic systems now crush Mashed into a pile of mush EEEEEEEEEEEEEE Mashed into an unrecognizable pulp!
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
A camping trip in the wilderness you have to bring your own food Sticks of cheese and some Slim Jims A small amount of trail mix The hike is long and strenuous You're working up an appetite You haven't tried granola yet Focused on eating other foods Eating food for the energy But raccoons take your food And leave you with nothing more than a package of granola that is moldy The raccoons ran away with your food And now you're lost in the forest In a state of desperation You take a handful OF MOLD It was a mistake You should not have eaten it The toxins fill your bloodstream And turn you into a zombie Your brain is now a pile of mush You wander to a bear cave And then the bear eats you And now we have a zombie bear Forced To Eat moldy granola
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Eeeeeeeee..... Decaying old food left out at room temperature too long Infested and rotting it is reclaimed by nature It's consumed by mold forms and your dinner plans are ruined Digested by plant life it's now just a smorgasbord of mush It's liquefied (and ossified) And now there's no return from the other side It's ruined (by toxins) And now it's just a big old pile of mush Big pile of mush.
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Time for fun, it's movie night and everyone is feelin' right Snacks are in the kitchen (you went to Aldi) Pause the movie, take a break, you think it is a good idea to go make some popcorn (brand is generic) You didn't read the instructions You didn't read the package You didn't heed the warnings Hot steam burns your face Microwave wattage is high, also it is broken and does not work properly (old shitty microwave) Opening the popcorn bag, in front of your stupid face Butter Lovers', third-degree burns Burned by hot popcorn steam
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Field trip with the fuckin' school My fuckin' classmates are assholes Museum of natural history Cursed and haunted from the mummies. My teacher is a Satan-worshipper Summoning the powers of the dead Causing skeletons to come to life Ripping everyone to shreds. Dinosaur Skeleton tearing unsuspecting visitors limb from limb Stegasaur Tyranosaur Creating a new mess for the janitor Dinosaur See the gore Human meat is shredded by the raptor Revenge for Extinction Back from the dead to kill again Primordial resurrection humans are food, live dissection (Archaeological gore destruction eaten alive by dinosaur skeletons) Jurassic obliteration not enough mops at the janitor station (eaten alive by dinosaur skeletons ruins your trip to the museum)
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
You're a rich fucking prick You paid for a hunting safari With your dumb little khaki outfit Soon you will be sorry You think you're a tough guy In the safety of your humvee Wasting tons of gasoline in the deserts of Mali Trophy hunting is for assholes and you are an asshole You're a spoiled rich little piece of shit killing just for trophy You see some nice elephants minding their own business you reach for your big gun compensate for your small penis On this day the elephant will take revenge It's high on peyote It is much stronger, and much bigger than you so it stomps your humvee Elephant's foot stomping the shit out of you Trunk crushing your torso Ivory tusks impale and dismember you Impaled by elephant tusks
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Such a pile of bullshit, such a fuckin' buzzkill I really hate your fucking face You look like a fucking twat, every single word you say is a load of goat shit You're a lying sack of shit, in secret you probably pay hookers to shit on you You command an army of easily-deceived grannies & old people in Florida Televised billionaire, brainwashing weak-minded rubes turning their brains into mush Making up a bunch of shit, raking all their money in with your shit-eating grin You look like a ball bag, and some day I bet you probably will go to Hell And once you are in Hell, Satan will shit on you while demons pee on your face I summon Satan with the Necronomicon Acidic urine burns your fuckin' face I open the Ark Of The Covenant like in Raiders Of The Lost Ark then all these ghosts come out and melt your fucking face
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
All you can eat fish-fry Goin' every Friday night to a filthy neighborhood pub to binge-eat and get real drunk You didn't chew the food Coughing and choking up mush Cheese curd stuck in your throat Your carcass falls to the floor You ate the food too fast and no one knows the Heimlich Your mouth is filled with walleye, rye bread and cole slaw Now the bar staff is laughing at you as bits of food fly from your stupid face Nobody cares, everybody just looks as the juke box plays some Bon Jovi Choke choke choke
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
You thought it would be cool to explore abandoned buildings Little did you know though that this building's fuckin' haunted Poltergeist activity is common in this building Checking out the building until ghosts come out and kill you Push you down an elevator shaft Push you down an elevator shaft Falling down the elevator shaft, wonder what pushed you? Then you hit the bottom and your body turns to mush Suddenly the elevator activates and gears turn Mashing up your pitiful remains into more mush Push you down an elevator shaft Push you down an elevator shaft Pushed down an elevator shaft!
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Wizard's apprentice serving up some lunch Milk that's been left sitting out in the sun Sandwich made with expired mayonnaise Wizard is working on magical spells Chugging the drink and inhaling the food No one realized it was totally old Suddenly a magical spell is reversed Wizard is now a fountain spraying out mush Knocking over tools and potions Cauldron gets tipped over also Spraying mush all over the castle Falling down a spiral set of stairs
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
You're lost in the forest You find something simmering In a cast iron cauldron Of very high quality You taste with the ladle The drugs start to kick in You realize it's innards You now want the recipe
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
On a quest in a magical realm (magical lakes and magical mountains) Inventory of items and potions (found on the journey through magical kingdoms) Fighting blue slimes with a wooden sword (collect the gold, and collect the items) Now you're approached by a unicorn (mythical horse of majestic beauty) Use, using up your items using up your potions cannot ride the unicorn Food, using up your food stash, gonna use the food to try to feed the unicorn Now, unicorn is eating but they aren't supposed to be eating the human food You, plastered in the feces, magical and sparkly spraying from the unicorn The unicorn ate a bowlful of mush (hit points are down from bacterial infection) All of your food with no refrigeration (rapid increase of harmful pathogens) You should have left the unicorn alone (you fucking idiot, what were you thinking!?) Coated and filthy from all of the mush (growing the mushrooms you're left in the rainstorm) Use, using up your items using up your potions cannot ride the unicorn Food, using up your food stash, gonna use the food to try to feed the unicorn Now, unicorn is eating but they aren't supposed to be eating the human food You, plastered in the feces, magical and sparkly spraying from the unicorn Plastered in unicorn feces!
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Ruined food
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
On a camping trip to spend time in the woods With activities planned Kayak and hiking You set up your tent and you make a campfire Now it's time for dinner So you cook marshmallow You were irresponsible and didn't listen to the ranger about how food will attract a bear and your campsite's on a burial ground You look up at the pretty stars realize just how small you are But then you see something big approach from a sparkly, magic mist It's a magical bear spraying hot liquid cheese It does not want marshmallow It wants revenge Bear claws disembowel you Your mangled corpse falls to the ground And from its eyes, hot liquid cheese causes burns to your carcass Magic bear Liquid cheese Leave bears alone Do not feed
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Shut the fuck up you stupid piece of shit shut your fuckin' sound-hole (shut the fuck up) Shut your fuckin' mouth Nobody wants to hear you Screamin' like a banshee (shut the fuck up) Why is the parent so fucking negligent? Take responsibility (Shut your fuckin' kid up, learn some fuckin' manners give us all some fuckin' peace) Shut your kid up Can't you fuckin' see that it's pissing everybody off (shut the fuck up) Learn some discipline control your fuckin' kid and quit giving them sugar (shut the fuck up) Shut your kid up!
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Arctic expedition, riding on a sled Into a canyon of magical ice You brought provisions, a loaf of pizza bread bag of Chex Mix and a giant hoagie When you weren't looking, a walrus approached Hungry cause there was no penguins to eat It knocks you out with a sock full or rocks And then he sits down and he eats all your food He cracks open a beer EAT!!! Eating all of your food You're lying there with a massive head wound unable to move, walrus eating your food and drinking tons of Old Style and Strohs You wonder where did he get all that beer? No one will find you, your carcass is doomed Humongous walrus devours your food Then suddenly some penguins show up too they brought more beer, now you're totally screwed
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
You're on a trip hunting You think you're really cool But in the forest sleeps an ancient beast And your bloody doom awaits you Dismembered by mossy elk antlers.
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Little Billy left a glass of milk out at night, along with some cookies With a note that said “for Santa” but he misspelled it “for Satan” Milk left at room temperature for way too long, buildup of bacteria Santa drank it all not knowing it was spoiled, now he has food poisoning HO HO HO
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Hiking in the canyon high above the treetops In nature's isolation Looking for eagles Habitat destroyed by deforestation greedy fuckin' assholes ruined all the forest Human bullshit makes species endangered Eagle now sees opportunity for revenge Last thing you see Sharp eagle talons Ripping out your eyes Turn your face to mush Tearing you to shreds Feeds you to its young Now it has revenge For humans wrecked its home
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Working in a sausage factory Twelve-hour shifts, with no breaks Forming loaves and salisbury steaks and you're making minimum wage OSHA inspection has failed Crumbling floor and rusty rails And the sausage company does not care about safety You fall into the machine co-workers can't hear you scream Gears turn and the light turns green Cooking your carcass with steam Torn apart by robot claws processed by the combine's jaws Pounded to a putrid pulp Ground into a pile of mush Formed into meatloaf.
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026
Out on the road, and all alone Got a broken heart, so far from home I ain't got no food, to call my own I ain't got no food I ain't got no home (SECTION 1: “Wood N' Meat”) Hickory logs. Can't be beat. Got that smoke. Now it's time for the meat. Brisket. Pulled pork. Chick'n. Hot links. Season it up, slap it around Twelve hours later when the sun goes down you got barbecue. (SECTION 2: “Sides”) Cole slaw. Baked beans. Stone ground grits. Collard greens. Sweet potato salad. Mac n' cheese. Corn on the cob. And a cup o' sweet tea. Cornbread muffins, sauce n' stuffin' Wash it on down with a big shot of bourbon That's barbecue. (SECTION 3: “It's All Barbecue”) Burnt ends, rib tips, cracklin's too got a good smoky flavor and a mighty fine chew Moppin' on a mop sauce, baby back ribs gonna make a big mess so you gonna need a bib Slow and low is the name of the game too fast and it's tougher than a two dollar steak I got a tangy rich flavor and a nice smoke ring servin' up a mess a' barbecue's a beautiful thing Texas, Kansas City, Carolina, Tennesee don't matter where cuz it's all the same to me it's barbecue Yeah that's barbecue.
Submitted by Nargaroth — Aug 21, 2026